Three Changes After Dad's Death

In memory of William "Lester" Howard (1929-2021)

__________

by Carolyn Ann Howard

I've noticed three changes have occurred since I was able to finally get my dad into Newburgh Healthcare. Once he was safely in there, I could breathe again. I knew he'd either start to feel better, or he would die in peace. The latter is what occurred.

Sleep experts say your bedroom should be dark. To that end, I painted our bedroom "Ice Cave." Although internet swatches of this color show a lighter blue, its true color is actually very dark and deep. I bought a black comforter, pulled all the light wood furniture out and put black furniture in. It is very dark in there now, and I love it.

I have this weird feeling about other people's bedrooms. I'm sure it's something from my childhood, but I've always felt that bedrooms should be private, personal, and intimate. To that end, I've always kept this room dark, even in the day, so that no one visiting would be able to see it, even with the door open.

Oddly, after I got my father in Newburgh Healthcare, I couldn't stand to look into that dark room and not be able to see anything in it. I have lamps that I put in that also have dark shades when they're turned off. Now, I leave one of the lamps on during the day, so that when I look in, I can see the bedroom. Click on photos to enlarge

The stuffed animals are unapologetically mine

As a minimalist, (who has 6 stuffed animals in her bed) I have very little sentiment toward things. I have a few family bibles, but that's the genealogist in me. I have a few of my daughter's trinkets she made when in grade school. For whatever reason, having too much stuff makes me feel insecure. It's crushing. My daughter has inherited this trait from me.

So, when Dad gave me the quilt Mom had made for my daughter, but then decided to keep for herself instead, my daughter and I thought to sell the quilt. Neither of us wanted it or needed it. And it takes up so much room in my closet.

The shadowed area is my shadow

After Dad died, however, we have decided to keep the quilt. Just like that, the feelings toward it inverted. Even my attitude toward all the work my mother - a maximalist - did. This oil painting that Mom did many years ago is now proudly displayed above my piano.

The third thing for me that changed was my entire routine. For example, I used to love to watch The Drew Barrymore Show. I haven't watched a single one this new season and oddly, I no longer have the desire to. I have the tv off most of the time during the day now. While that used to be my modus operandi anyway, after living with Kenny these past 7 years, I had become comfortable with the TV blaring. I have lost that comfort. Give me quiet and let me read.

In a nutshell for me, after losing Dad:

1. Some things become bothersome - like my bedroom being dark during the day.

2. Things that meant nothing increase in value - like the quilt and the oil painting.

3. Routines change - I now have the TV off during the day.

My daughter adds a fourth bullet point: "Seeing someone lose their life leads you to reevaluate your own."

© 2022 by December Moonlight Publishing, LLC