Genealogy Tips
Sex, Rape, and Divorce in the 1800s
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by Carolyn Ann Howard
This post was updated 01 May 2022
Keep this in mind when doing genealogical research: If a female relative disappears, don't assume that she died. Assume that she lived. Go, look for her. It’s probable that she just quietly 'went away.' Her husband may have had her committed to an insane asylum. Check those records. Check the census records to see if she was living with a relative. Check the census records to see if she was living in a hotel. Or maybe she remarried.
If this seems absurd, remember that records were not well-kept at this time in the U.S., especially in the case of a *gasp* divorce. Also remember that the United States was extremely rural, so a neighbor didn't necessarily know another person's business.
It must also be understood that women in the 1800s had NO RIGHTS. Their decisions were made by their husbands, fathers, and brothers. Many times, they were treated as mere property and suffered abuse with no rights under the law. It certainly was not difficult for a man to end his marriage.
When doing research, one must also keep in mind the beliefs that embraced the country in the 1800s or simply the beliefs of your ancestor. Divorce was shameful and women who were divorced were many times treated as a 'sinner,' shunned from their friends and from their church. Naturally, many divorced women and even men would say they were a widow/widower, passing that information on to their children and grandchildren. Better to lie than to be disowned!
The Works Progress Administration (WPA) documented faithfully many of the marriages in the United States in the 1800s. The WPA didn't, however, document divorces. Those records, if indeed there are any records of the divorce at all, are safely tucked away in the local court houses or in historical societies. If you can visit the county where your ancestors lived, this is usually a good way to obtain information.
Whatever you do, keep your mind open to any possibility when doing genealogical research. Try not to judge your ancestors too harshly! They lived their lives just like you're living yours. Most of them did the best they could with what they had.
Thinking about intimacy between two people can feel a little creepy. When I first began my study of the 1800s, I had a difficult time reconciling the fact that those
people lived in close quarters yet had many children. Where did they find the
privacy to do have sex? Well... mostly they didn't find the privacy. They just
did it. In my book Pioneer Stories, John and Sally are in their bed downstairs making out, while the boys are upstairs in the dormer, grossing out. "Ew!" Albey exclaimed. "There they go again!"
Not only that, some had children just a few months into their marriages and some had children even after their spouses had been dead for several years. Where was that perfect ["holy"] world I had been taught as a child? If you're also looking for that perfect or holy world, stop. It's not there. Its not there now; it wasn't there in the 1800s.
A friend of mine tells me this story of one of his ancestors. She was raped repeatedly by her neighbor and had all her children by him. He threatened her that if she ever tried to get away from him, he would take her children away from her. The man's wife knew of the relationship and, in fact, the two women worked together to take care of their children. Again, one must remember that neither of these women had any rights. If the extra-marital woman would've left, the man would've been able to legally take the children. The extra-marital woman writes in a diary that SHE is the one who is sinful and needs to do better. In other words, she blamed herself for being a victim. She was shunned by all the other folks living in the village as being an adulteress, even though the man was forcing himself onto her.
Another friend tells me yet again of his ancestor who was outside drawing water out of the well. She was ambushed and raped by her neighbor. The rape resulted in a pregnancy.
In my stories, I strive to make my characters real and to make them honest. For instance, in Pioneer Stories, we are sure that Charity was pregnant before John Freeman married her. As Quakers, they were forced to confess this sin not only in front of the elders but in front of the entire church before being excommunicated. Charity never recovered from the shaming.
Not only that, some had children just a few months into their marriages and some had children even after their spouses had been dead for several years. Where was that perfect ["holy"] world I had been taught as a child? If you're also looking for that perfect or holy world, stop. It's not there. Its not there now; it wasn't there in the 1800s.
A friend of mine tells me this story of one of his ancestors. She was raped repeatedly by her neighbor and had all her children by him. He threatened her that if she ever tried to get away from him, he would take her children away from her. The man's wife knew of the relationship and, in fact, the two women worked together to take care of their children. Again, one must remember that neither of these women had any rights. If the extra-marital woman would've left, the man would've been able to legally take the children. The extra-marital woman writes in a diary that SHE is the one who is sinful and needs to do better. In other words, she blamed herself for being a victim. She was shunned by all the other folks living in the village as being an adulteress, even though the man was forcing himself onto her.
Another friend tells me yet again of his ancestor who was outside drawing water out of the well. She was ambushed and raped by her neighbor. The rape resulted in a pregnancy.
In my stories, I strive to make my characters real and to make them honest. For instance, in Pioneer Stories, we are sure that Charity was pregnant before John Freeman married her. As Quakers, they were forced to confess this sin not only in front of the elders but in front of the entire church before being excommunicated. Charity never recovered from the shaming.
Plain and simple - in the 1800s - sex, relationships, and divorce, were the same then as they are now. To accept this fact will make working on your family tree a whole lot easier, leaving you to create more possibilities.
© 2022 by December Moonlight Publishing, LLC
